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Post Untitled Story
Wrote this about a year ago, it isn't much but I started this and thought I should share to hear some opinions.
It's an unfinished story and in a really early development, I might get back to it, if enough people are interested.
Also, it's my first story in english, so there may be some mistakes.

Chapter 0 - Foreword
Spoiler: show
Chapter 0 - Foreword

These words I leave here in this diary are not just simple words, these words which tells a story about the man who made me who I am today, this is how he should be remembered and in the times of need, for you to be inspired not to give up and find a way in the darkest of your times.

This man was at the beginning of my great adventure, for he was the one to invite me to come with him when I was young. He was the one who pulled me out my dark hole and showed me what it was to live, he who saved my village, he who didn't give up, he who came from the stars.



Chapter 1 - My life as it was
Spoiler: show
Chapter 1 - My life as it was

It all began about 8 years ago, when I was still a young boy at the age of 16. Me and my mother were living in a little village, it wasn't the good life which most of you have. We were like slaves to raiders who had come from another planet. They were Xyltonians from the planet Xylton, at least that what they said the day they came to take over our little village, that's the story I've been told.

You see, these raiders came about 20 years ago, when my dad was still alive, apparently we did put up a fight, but we were not strong enough, they had more advanced weaponry, there wasn't much we could do against them. We quickly gave up and they enslaved us, other villages around us were taken over also and them too were enslaved. We had a force on the planet which could give them a fight, but they abandoned us, they didn't want to risk the whole planet, so they made a deal with the raiders, that they wouldn't go farther than they already were and they would be left alone. A wall was build to remember that nobody should cross it or they would be killed or worse, taken back.

I wasn't born yet, so I didn't see what happened with my own eyes, I was born 4 years later and when I was old enough to carry my own weight, I was made to help with the work the raiders were making us do. We were to dig deep underground to enlarge the area they could control. We were building an underground city. It was hard work, it was dangerous work, accidents were things that happened frequently, my dad was caught in one of them. He was lucky, he died immediately. There were some who survived the accidents, but they lost an arm, a leg or couldn't move anymore. It was not happy living, but my mom and I tried to live through it.

My mom was convinced that we would be saved, she was a believer, she said the great God wouldn't leave us. So, every night she prayed to this God to send help, to save us and to forgive the ones who left us to our fate. The people behind the wall. I didn't believe anymore, there were things a God wouldn't let be, like what we have been living, it's not hell, it's worse.

There was also another thing that the raiders did, every month they would take a few woman with them and god knows what they would do to them. Nobody knows, most of them didn't come back and those who did, were broken, you couldn't say they were living anymore. We did what we could and give them an easy way out, it was hard to do it, but at least they wouldn't suffer anymore.

Then the month came when they took my mother, I tried to put up a fight, but they easily locked me up till they were gone. I cried and that is when I joined the resistance, they were a group of people which were mounting an attack using the underground as main solution. Since I was just entering the resistance, I wasn't kept in the plan or meeting they made. They didn't trust me enough, I didn't blame them, the raiders caught wind of the resistance but couldn't take action till they knew who they were and you never knew who could betray you to the raiders, if you weren't careful enough.

A few months went by and I grew in rank in the resistance, but still not enough to know of any plans, just helping where I could. All I knew is that the promised day was coming.



Chapter 2 - The Resistance Rises
Spoiler: show
Chapter 2 - The Resistance Rises

As another day ended in this life of mine, I realized something, something that defined me, but I couldn’t quite grasp yet what it really was. I was thinking about it, but I was interrupted by someone.
I opened my eyes and saw Jona, standing in front of me. Jona was one of the higher ranked people in the Resistance, she was beautiful, but she was also one the most dangerous person I ever met. I wondered what she wanted so I asked. Apparently, I was called out by the top of the Resistance.
It made me feel nervous.

As I stepped out of my room I saw someone get dragged off by a few Xyltonians, but I didn’t really pay attention to it, the top of the Resistance wanting to meet me, was heavily on my mind, nothing else could disturbed my mind at that point. Still, Jona stopped me and said I shouldn’t be nervous and should act casually, as to not attract unwanted attention. Then we moved on, we were going to the caves, where I would meet the most important man in the Resistance.

We walked for about an hour before we came in front of a door, guarded by a few men. I was halted and searched. Jona on the other hand, could pass freely. I guess that should have been normal, considering she was high ranked. Once I was cleared to pass, I entered through the door and saw five people standing behind a very large table or desk. I didn’t really know what to call it.

The one in the middle was the one who addressed me first, saying they were content with my work and that they had something to ask of me. He told me I could address him as Z, while the others were told by name, but I could only address Z for now. He waved at a person in the corner to come out of the shadows and that person handed over some papers to Z. Z toke some of them out of the pack and gave them to me. I saw they were pictures, but I got disgusted at what I saw. What I saw in them was horrible, the woman who got taken from our village, were in the pictures. They were being tortured in many different ways, I almost fell to the ground, the shock of seeing this, it was… it was too much. Then Z said to me, that it was not the only thing they did to the women, it was the only proof they could get without getting caught. Proof to make rumors certain, as I continued to look through the pictures I fell to the ground completely. Shocked, but soon rage swelled up inside me, surprised, Z asked what was wrong. At first I didn’t hear him, but he repeated his question and then I answered that my mother was in that picture.

The other people at the table where talking between each other, but Z intervened and calmed them. He addressed me and explained why they called me over. He said they had a mission for me, one of great importance. The details were kept to a minimum, I would only know everything, the moment everything would play out. The meeting was over and I returned to my place in the village. I couldn’t sleep that night, I was too angry to sleep and the next day I took it out in the caves, swinging against the rocks, working till I dropped. But it wasn’t enough, the rage wouldn’t subside and I kept it pent up.

Three weeks went by and I was called by Z, I went back to the secret room with Jona and saw men changing into new clothes, stronger clothes. Some were taking out what seemed to be weapons.
As I entered the room, Z spoke to me in a calm voice, he explained to me what my mission would be and that I wouldn’t be alone, but I had little time to prepare myself. Once I was told everything, I was ready for it, nothing would sway me from the path laid out before me

As the night approached I set out with a small group of people, we entered the shadows of the coming night and kept low. We were going towards the encampment of the Xyltonians. We avoided any contact with other people or Xyltonians guards along the way. It took us till it was dark, to reach the encampment, unnoticed. Once we were there, we need a way in. Lucky for us, there was a hole in the wall, near the side of the encampment. So we used it to enter and make our way to where they stored our explosives. We entered the room and prepared everything. We walked out, but came upon a problem. A few Xyltonians were in front of the hole, we didn’t know what they were doing, but we couldn’t let them see us. So we entered the big house in the encampment. We entered a room, where we thought we would be safe, but then all senses escaped me and it all went black.



Chapter 3 – The Price to Pay
Spoiler: show
Chapter 3 – The Price to Pay

As I regained my senses and looked around, I saw my mother lying on the floor, my companions shocked and terrified and when I looked down I saw a Xyltonian on the floor, head bashed in and his blood staining the floor. One of my companions reached out to me and asked why I lost it.
I explained to him and the other companions that the woman was my mother and I just lost it, when I saw her that way. I got up and ran to my mother, when I realized she wasn’t moving. One of my companions was already by her side and that’s when he said, she died.

I searched the room and found a blade, that’s when I decided I would avenge my mother, it was time we did something to them, instead of just sabotaging them. That’s when the explosives went off and the alarm was raised in the encampment. When got out we saw the whole of the Resistance already fighting the Xyltonians, I soon joined them and let my rage flow freely, slicing every Xyltonian I could find.

Jona came to my side and grabbed me. She was running to the big house. She said I was needed, once we got in, I saw that we were already intruded that far, it seems that Z used us as a distraction to begin an all-out attack to free the village. But it wasn’t a pretty sight, while we were doing our best killing them. We saw that we were outmatched. We had more men, but they had more experience and were far more brutal than any of us. That’s when I saw it, the leader of the Xyltonians was going towards Z, I screamed to alert Z, but I was too late. The leader stabbed Z, Z couldn’t fully evade and got hit in his side. He attacked the leader, but was only able to scratch his armor he was wearing.
In a fury, I saw some of my companions rushing towards the Xyltonian leader, but he was too strong, he swung his big sword-like weapon and killed almost everyone who got too close, one of my companions managed to get close enough and jumped on the Xyltonians leader, he hang on while the Xyltonians was trying to get him off of him.

The Xyltonian leader screamed and dropped his weapon to grab hold of my companion, who was on him, once he got him, he started laughing. I ran to save him, but I was running towards him, I saw The Xyltonian leader, crush my companion with his bare hands. I kept running and took the sword-like weapon in my hand, but I couldn’t swing it like that Xyltonian did. I mustered all my strength to just get it up and point it towards the Xyltonian leader. I strengthened my legs and moved forward, started running bit by bit and that’s when the Xyltonians turned to face me, but he was too late. As I pierced him, I searched for another weapon, while he was screaming in pain. I found a cleaver and took it in my hands. With the strength I had left and lashed out at his head, he wasn’t paying attention to me. He was trying to get the weapon out of him. He managed to get it out and swung at me. I avoided just in time and continued my attack and after a few more slices he finally fell down.
I breathed heavily, exhausted and all went black before my eyes, I fell down.

During that time, the Xyltonians saw the defeat of their leader and ran away to the wall. Everyone was overjoyed and killed Xyltonians who got too close to them, while they were running away, the morale changed. We won, but at the price of losing a great leader.

When I came too, I was in a bed. I was in the village, everything seemed peaceful, once I noticed there wasn’t any Xyltonians to be seen. I walked around and Jona came to me, she said I shouldn’t be up this soon and explained to me what happened after I fell down.

I was brought to the village and they treated my wounds as best as they could, the medicines left by the Xyltonians were a great help, but what shocked was what Jona said what had happened to my body. I lost an arm. I didn’t notice it, because I was drugged, so I did not feel pain. I searched for a mirror and saw that I had lost my left arm. It was the price I had paid, for freeing my village. The next thing I knew, Jona was guiding me to the top of the Resistance.

Once there, they told me that they were going to bury Z and all the others that had fallen in the battle. They also gave me thanks for my role in freeing the village, everyone thanked me, but the war was not yet won, they said. Freeing the village was the first step, the other villages needed help and the traitors behind the wall needed to be dealt with. We wouldn’t attack soon, but it will be done.

After a few days, the burial day came. We paid our respect to the fallen one and buried them. Consolation was given to those needed and we made a big fire, remembering the price paid.
That night a ship flew close to our village and landed a few days from it. We readied ourselves and build barricaded and armed everyone we could to fight, we didn’t know who flew that ship, but we weren’t going to take any chances, if they came to us, we would be ready to defend ourselves.

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Fri Jan 03, 2014 2:29 pm
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Post Re: Untitled Story
Pretty well written for a first story. Nice job!

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Post Re: Untitled Story
YomToxic wrote:
Pretty well written for a first story. Nice job!


Thank you, I have others, but they're all in dutch and I don't think you read dutch xD

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Sat Jan 04, 2014 3:04 pm
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Post Re: Untitled Story
I only know two words in dutch.
SCHWIEN TEUFEL!

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Post Re: Untitled Story
YomToxic wrote:
I only know two words in dutch.
SCHWIEN TEUFEL!


Sorry to correct you, but that's german, not dutch.

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Post Re: Untitled Story
Killable_Boa wrote:
YomToxic wrote:
I only know two words in dutch.
SCHWIEN TEUFEL!


Sorry to correct you, but that's german, not dutch.


Oopsie. :O_O

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Post Re: Untitled Story
Wait wait wait. Deutsch and German are different languages? Is it Dutch and Deutsch? Everything I know and made up in my head has betrayed me!

Your "Chapter 0" would be the "Prologue;" I'd like it to be longer, maybe address the reader directly or maybe just ramble about something trivial that's important to the narrator character. If this is the first book then maybe have it as the epilogue.

You give the reader too many details straight forward; try to ramble on about things and use descriptive words to paint the scene instead of outright labels. For the sake of example, "We were to dig deep underground to enlarge the area they could control. We were building an underground city." could be drawn out into an entire paragraph letting the reader have to imagine what the characters are doing giving only that they're being taken underground and made to excavate large caverns.

I like the setting, the narrator character has potential and the single parent aspect makes the idea of the personal journal writing style believable for the setting. I'm very interested to see how the resistance does against the Xylton Raiders and how the religious kooks are accepting their new alien overlords. I look forward to more.

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Sat Jan 04, 2014 9:38 pm
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Post Re: Untitled Story
fluffy wrote:
Wait wait wait. Deutsch and German are different languages? Is it Dutch and Deutsch? Everything I know and made up in my head has betrayed me!

Your "Chapter 0" would be the "Prologue;" I'd like it to be longer, maybe address the reader directly or maybe just ramble about something trivial that's important to the narrator character. If this is the first book then maybe have it as the epilogue.

You give the reader too many details straight forward; try to ramble on about things and use descriptive words to paint the scene instead of outright labels. For the sake of example, "We were to dig deep underground to enlarge the area they could control. We were building an underground city." could be drawn out into an entire paragraph letting the reader have to imagine what the characters are doing giving only that they're being taken underground and made to excavate large caverns.

I like the setting, the narrator character has potential and the single parent aspect makes the idea of the personal journal writing style believable for the setting. I'm very interested to see how the resistance does against the Xylton Raiders and how the religious kooks are accepting their new alien overlords. I look forward to more.


Yeah, Dutch and Deutsch/German are 2 different languages. Deutsch and German are the same, but I hear english people use German more than Deutsch,
to say what language it is.

As for the story, thanks for the tips, will try my best to entertain more and write in a more mysteriously and imaginable way.

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Post Re: Untitled Story
For those interested, the next chapter (Chapter 2 - The Resistance Rises), will come out next weekend,
so the 1st or 2nd of february.

Yes, this means I intent to finish this story and I will try to write a chapter on regular basis.

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Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:49 pm
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Post Re: Untitled Story
Chapter 2 and 3 added, I write more then I thought I would, but I'm glad how it turned out.
Have fun reading.

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Fri Jan 31, 2014 11:12 am
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