So there I was, no shit, driving along just minding my own business in the left lane when the SUV in the right lane decides to bust a U-turn.

Let me help you picture this in your head. There are two west bound lanes, two east bound lanes and one turning lane between the east and west bound lanes; there is no raised median. Both me and this fucknut were traveling west, he's on my right, we're in America.

Well it's raining and let's just put this on the table; my car isn't the most impressive thing on four tires. He veers, suddenly, into my lane and is now directly in front of my car. Time slows to a crawl.

"… Really?"

I don't have anti-lock brakes, which ensure that your tires remain in friction lock with the road so that the highest possible coefficient of friction can be applied to braking, so when I depress the brakes I instinctively do so with a cautious gradient that allows me to maintain control of my twenty-four year old car.

I just need to clarify: I wasn't trying to avoid hitting him; I'm not retarded. I knew I was going to hit him. The question was, at this point, how much damage was I going to take? My blue 1991 Mazda Protege DX was no match for his beige piece of shit SUV and I was traveling at a modest sounding 20 MPH.

I have to say that 20 MPH is 8.9408 meters per second. This means that from the instant he veered into my lane and my reflexes took over I had to mitigate nearly one Earth gravity in the distance of at most three meters. That wasn't going to happen. If I had struck the shitsicle on wheels my car would have been absorbed fully into the fender of crapzilla and I'd have to walk home with my car on my back.

I'm just kidding; I'd leave it there and take the bus.

Well I'm bored of telling this story so to the point I decided to do what any good Christian would do: I punk the bitch for $160 and tell him to watch out for idiot drivers like him. (Please note: I'm not any amount of Christian; I'm egotheistic.)

So yeah. I've got a busted turn signal and $160 to fix it. I'm going to go get a happy ending massage and an eighth of weed. (Nah, I'm just going to pay my bills because being an adult is hard, yo.)

FIRST.

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This is why you need a buzzsaw infront of your car.

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*makes note to self*

"Vehicular man slaughter." Like a Bose.

Yea man, shit is crazy on the roads.

Where I am people will regularily cross the street anywhere on the street, expecially blacks, they will walk anywhere like cars can't kill them.

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time to prove them wrong

where i am now it's just everyone will cross the street everywhere and all the drivers are angry and aggressive, it's nightmare roads out here.

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as a driver now, and having seen crappo like this, you need to ensure you never bottleneck with anything for more than 100 feet, slow down or stop if you have to, let the asscotton pass.

seriously you need to be in constant vigilant observation of any movement in any mirror. because people are not god's most intelligent creatures on earth, that goes to whales. whales decided to stay the f out in the middle and deeps of the oceans, gee I wonder why? Imagine having a superior intellect to the point you peacefully coordinate with other pods and maintain a strict and global genetic diversity and population, and then you notice some smoothbrained shitstick figured out that wood floats and metal and nonfloating fibres float when you bow them up to trap air in them and make good use of surface tension. whales pretty much gave them a chance then said "fuck these idiots, lets go live out deep where their primitive ships can't stay."

so yeah, I've noticed these morons, they come up in your mirrors and attempt to drive at your speed right in your blindspot in the only other available lane. why? they are on their cellphone or finishing a taco and are not paying attention to the road so they are matching your speed as a defense mechanism to avoid speed tickets. even worse some of these idiots will do this right in your front corner and when you speed up to pass, they speed up because they are trying to match your speed.

so when you see movement in your mirrors make sure it passes and if it doesn't you need to take the high road to make sure you don't bottleneck with them. why?

bottlenecking causes road rage. no matter how fast you are going, the speed limit could be 75 and you're going 84, it's not fast enough for some morons, they want to do 90. so here you are going 84 and some dumb shit bottlenecks in the only other lane. then you notice a sports car or semi truck and overloaded trailer come up behind you and get right on your tail. they are agfressively riding your ass to say "get the fuck off my road this is the fast lane even if it's not, I have places to be" before long the crack and insomnia and shitty life sets in and they get anxious about missing their delivery time and getting a pay deduction, heck they didn't even pay off their truck yet they are in debt deep and have some woman somewhere ina trailer park getting boned by their neighbor while they are gone, while their 2 year-old watches. suddenly they snap. if it's the sports car driver, you must remember they want to be loud in their car around the ladies to feel noticed and superior because they feel insuperior due to the state of their dick size. now you are bottlenecking in front of them and some chick rolls up next to him and looks at him through his silver-sunshaded one-way windows. and he can;t rev because he's already on your tail. so now he feels like she's staring at his microcock, he gets uncomfortable and decides to screw it, he's going to do something stupid.

never allow anyone to bottleneck with you. in some places road rage due to bottlenecking results in them aiming at your skull through the window from behind with a handgun.

20mph is fucking slow, if someone is bottlenecking at 20 mph, go 5 mph. pump on the breaks so cars behind you see you are trying to break the bottleneck, stop if you can, never be afraid to stop if it's the only safe thing to do.

here where I live we have hillbilly morons, their pappy told em that "they gotta win the race, thats what drivins all about, see the government is done lookin for new nascar drivers, they sent out some authorities to go find out who can drive the fastest, and boy if they see you out there and you break the record they'll pull you over and give you a slip of paper, boy, that thing tells you how fast you wer goin and how much you can make per hour as a nascar driver, and at the bottom it even says someone is courtin you and gives you the date!"

we have actually been graded as having some ofthe worst drivers in the world. so bad, they cannot ever drive on icy roads. everything shuts down if the temp goes near freezing, they advise people not to go on the road, they literally cannot understand that you need extra stopping time and should not adjust your steering on a bridge and travel slower than normal heck even when it rains they'll hydroplane and not know how to deal with it, they'll go into shock and rev the engine to try to power out of it like an absolute moron.

oh did I mention they don't know how to tie anything down to a trailer? we're talkiong heavy construction equipment falling off and crushing someone's car that was tailgating them. this is common.

oh and everyone is a fucking diy moron with tools. if theres an accident or lanes have been reduced to 1 lane because of construction ever single fucking pickup driver MUST without fail, slow crawl to the wrck or construction, STOP, roll down their window and have the tired old conversation "I got'er here a buncha tools yall need any help? I'm lookin fer work, are you the boss? can I work here? I'm skilled, I got me a cement mizer in the back and a weldin rod. can I work here? officer you need any help? you alright? I'm a goo ol boy I'll help you takem in if you need, I gots the muscle! you need a new deputy? heres my biznis card."

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Clearly, the answer to this problem is LOTS AND LOTS OF SPINNING CHAINSAWS.

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