Plato, 4th grade, 1992

Socrates, want to play four square?

Of course my dear friend Brian! But I fear there is only one problem: I know not the rules of the game. Do you know them? For you must in all your knowledge of what is right and true.

Yeah, I know how to play.

Well then by Zeus, Brian, please impart such great wisdom upon me! But first I must ask of you one question, a simple one, just in order to clarify something to this old, wretched soul.

Go for it.

Is it so that one and only one clear set of rules exist for the game of four square? Or is it so that there are perhaps different rules applied at different times?

I guess sometimes we change the rules.

Then, if it is such that the rules may change without notice, how is it at all possible that you, albeit wise and learned beyond your years, could teach me the the true rules of the game? Is it possible you yourself do not know the rules to the very game you wish me to play?

Uhhh, I guess so. Look do you want to play or not?

Well my most exalted friend, I would most certainly love to! But I fear I can not without knowing the rules of the game are just.

OK. Bye loser.

Perhaps one day we shall finish this conversation! I'm sure there are so many things you could enlighten me about!

The Bully by Ayn Rand, Age 9

One day on the playground I had born witness to a disturbing, yet all too prevalent spectacle - Ivan, a young boy in the same grade as I, was being accosted by a common thuggish bully threatening him with violence unless he relinquished his lunch money. Not wishing to be on the receiving end of corporal trauma, nor the dreaded "noogie," Ivan quickly expended the contents of his pockets, to which the greedy, parasitic bully quickly snatched up. The bully, ready to posture his inherent strength, pushed the boy to the ground and kicked gravel in his face. Resigning himself to his obvious failure, Ivan quickly retreated to the Sandbox to play with his Soldier Josef action figures.

Absolutely vexed at what I saw, I hurried myself to a grown-up of higher authority - albeit admittedly, the degree of authority was quite questionable - and recanted what I had witnessed to her:

"Mrs. Pinski - Boris, in an effort to bolster his own funds, had forcefully taken Ivan's money with which he purchases his lunch! Are we to suggest that this kind of behavior is acceptable? That we should sit still while those that earn their right to eat from the cafeteria are drained away by vampiric, lazy louts who feed on the hard work of others? That Ivan should take out the garbage, or pull weeds from his family's garden, strengthening his resolve and lining his pockets with that which he himself has earned, only to have it snatched away by the leeches that plague this blacktop?"

Mrs. Pinski, unmoved by my plea, spoke to me: "Alisa, Ivan's resolve will never be stronger unless he learns to stand up for himself. Besides, if his classmates had felt that he had earned his lunch money, would they not have stood beside him to protect him from those that seek his surrender?"

"I spit at your petty morals," I replied. "A man is entitled not by what society says he should have, but what he wants for himself! What good is society if we are blinded by dogmatic beliefs and petty morality? Do you not wish these children to succeed? Do you not wish them rewarded for their work? Mankind is not a single collective - it is a group of thinking, feeling people that have their own goals and seek their own success! In not bringing Boris to justice, you seek to empower only those who feed on the hard work of others! What have you accomplished with yourself to earn your authority? What could you have possibly done to warrant your title of 'lunch-aide?' Probably delegated to you by your husband's position in the Parent-Lecturer Party, you false figure!"

It was then she made me sit inside for the rest of recess. How I despise that woman.

tl;dr

i started, but got bored. It seems more that the writer of this shit focused on realism and didn't make it FUNNY.

or maybe it's because I'm right, most scholar's jokes are gay.